Future (amended)
I never really understood why I’ve become “Abdul”? I’ve started thinking more and more about my past and the way I was; I used to be unpopular, I used to be the pariah, I had no friends. I think part of it was because I was funny; people wanted to like me, and when you’re young you loathe the people you’re supposed to like, you ostracize them. You’re always cruelest when you’re young. The persona I created has turned me into a pseudo god, people look to me for most anything that crosses their mind. Even at times when I can’t seem to help myself, I help my friends, and ultimately when push comes to shove I do enjoy being able to help.
With the disappearance of my emotions for Isobel and Emily I believe that I’m finally able to overcome all my adversities. My life seems hell bent on throwing shit storms my way, it must be giving me the strength to finally declare my all encompassing independence. I’m leaving, I know I am, it’s the only thing I want. I’m going to make and save money by hook or by crook, I’m going to get a car, I’m going to finish my degree as quickly as possible; I think three years is a modest time frame. Whether or not I decide to go back to Old Dominion and re-establish the family, or stay here and stay at home without worry of money is something that is yet to be seen. Also, I have the option of moving in with Kelly and Brian, I really do like the idea, however I will need a car first.
When I went down to Norfolk I was relieved to see the connection was still there. I was worried on my first night, but we were all highly inebriated. I passed out in Brendan’s room and things were gradually normalizing. When Brendan and I woke up we went to try and get me gas for the drive home, I ended up accidentally getting all my stuff back from Biggie. I got the gas money by raiding Nick and Brendan’s rooms for change, and giving Kelly and Jon a Tinee Giant run. When Nick got back from the farm we went on a car ride, the atmosphere was almost alright. It wasn’t until I dropped them off at the Hurst and Nick went up to get my phone that I became sure that things were ok. Nick brought my phone back and we talked for a bit, it was really nice because it wasn’t awkward, it was like the old days and I felt vindicated.
As wondrous as it was to rediscover a connection with my brothers, it complicates things. Norfolk is a place that has a very strong impact on the way I feel. When I was depressed there the depression ran as deep as it ever has, but I remember being at least moderately happy for some of the time I spent there. I think part of the fascination I have with Norfolk stems from that, the knowledge that even for a while that place made me happy.
I’m planning on going back for one more year, to see if I can tap into the happiness I wielded there. Whether or not I go down to Old Dominion over the fall and into next spring is yet to be seen. However once I reacquire that happy feeling I will come back here and move in with Kelly and Brian, as long as it is still a valid option. If not I will stay home and finish my degree in Music Composition with a minor in Music Theory.
Once I finish my degree I’m moving to either New York or Los Angeles, and with the money I save up from work and Indiana I will get a place, find a job, record and market a cd, and play as many gigs as I can get. That represents the ideal life I want to lead, I will have fulfilled all my life goals. I’ll have a degree in a field that I chose, one I equate to serenity, and that degree will help facilitate my life long desire to create music. I will do it and gain recognition and fame for the music I make, then once I have conquered the music industry I will once again act and spur beautiful performances, and once I have conquered the screen I will write my autobiography and stories.
The time has come for me to take my life and guide it into the direction I choose. For the past few years I have allowed my life to drift aimlessly, not to say that I regret any of it, I have learned lessons that some people spend a lifetime never learning. I attended several colleges, I was the lead singer of five bands, I fell madly in love with several people, I had my heart broken medically and emotionally too many times, I got the lead to a play, I was homeless, I lost everything I held dear in three days, I lost one family and created another.
Yet all the shit I faced, has now somehow been replaced with the beauty I saw, my selfless idealism has begun to creep back into my persona, it was such an important part of me and it’s temporary hiatus was a bit distressing. I can say that it is returning and it makes me happy, it will be the engine that drives my life plan. I cannot allow myself to falter in the execution of my plan, I must remember that it is the perfect life plan, it will achieve all the goals necessary to fully actualize my independence. I will allow that knowledge to act as a plow to push through the shit. I will allow that knowledge to act as a sword and shield to fend off anything attempting to stop, slow me down, or get in my way. I will not be stopped.
Having realized that my selfless idealism has returned, I can utilize it, allowing it to wash over me and enable a reconnect with the kindness that I feel I’ve lost. I will be nicer to the people I feel I’ve neglected, Nick, Brendan, Tim, Clarissa, Abdul Hadi, Mom, Ziad, Dad, Karen, Dave, Kelly and whoever else pops up.
Finally I feel, after the debacles my past few relationships had created, I am ready to once again pursue a relationship. That being said, I suffer in caution. With the exception of Kasia, no one I have recently run into fills the near overwhelming criteria for “dating material”. I need to find someone appropriate for me. I will begin searching for my ideal mate, I have the knowledge, I know what I want. I will search for the person I know I can spend my life with, and woo them. I have wooed the un-woo-able before, no one can stop me. I will find the one I want to spend my life with, and spend it at least happy in love.
I will control my life, I will force the shit storm into one of cherry blossoms. The crazy things that happen in my life will from now on serve only to aid me. Nothing is allowed to bring me down. Once the blossoms parade around me no shit will ever resurface. My life will be a good one from now on. I will make my life do good by me.
Once again, I must emphasize the importance of the fact that I will reconnect, but will not falter. I will find my love and complete my life goals. The people I care about will know I care, and I will not fall into any drama. I will fulfill my goals, I will not falter, I will not be stopped. I will be great.